ROMAN HOLIDAYS?

Soccer is an odd old business, full of strange old people, so the Fiver isn’t the least bit surprised to learn that Tammy Abraham moved from Chelsea to Roma for a fee of £ 34million. Although Abraham only played 17 minutes in the last three months of last season, he became the club’s joint top scorer. But Thomas Tuchel prefers the productive Timo Werner, who needed 20 additional games to match Abraham’s 12-goal record and whose six goals in 36 league games to this day bring back fond memories of Robert Fleck, Chris Sutton, Mateja Kezman and Andriy Shevchenko.

Of course, it’s hard to criticize Tuchel, a professional footballer who somehow thought that three center-backs, protected by two defensive midfielders and two defensive full-backs, would make it difficult for his team to score against him (especially if the opposing manager is even better). Thus, Chelsea’s Champions League victory not only secured Tuchel’s job for the foreseeable four months, but also veiled the Comover so well that it was almost attached to his head that nobody knows that it even exists. Behold the power of tactical genius!

Tuchel has already bought Romelu Lukaku to replace Abraham, as spending £ 97.5m on a 28-year-old striker with an unreliable first ball contact and a questionable big game record makes perfect sense. But before you – yes, you – get into anger, rest assured that the Fiver realizes that there is no better striker in the world (who plays like he’s wearing a wing) than Lukaku.

As for Abraham, he joins José Mourinho at the Stadio Olimpico. Mourinho’s punishment for the mess he wreaked at Spurs was to move from Tottenham to the Eternal City. While the Fiver hopes the deal will turn out well, it is necessarily scary because, as the famous saying goes, Rome was not built in a day but can certainly be destroyed in a three year cycle.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Cristiano is a Real Madrid legend and he has all of my love and respect. I never thought of signing him. We are happy ”- Carlo Ancelotti is doing us all a favor and shattering fresh Ronaldo-to-Real rumors via the medium of Social Media Disgrace Twitter.

RECOMMENDED APPEARANCE

Gunnersaurus becomes Laiy, Pep plays a Peaky Blinder, and Graeme Souness is still furious. It can only be David Squires looking back on the Premier League’s opening weekend.

An open exchange of views there. Illustration: David Squires / The Guardian

FIVE LETTERS

“The last line on Monday was a link to the club shop in Newcastle that sells a hooded sweatshirt for £ 165. To be fair, that’s actually just part of the deal – the price also includes a first-team player of the buyer’s choice ”- Mike Wilner.

“John Lawton” [Monday’s letters] wrong – Arsenal weren’t great before they hit the field on Friday. They were alphabetically third behind Abramovich XI and Abu Dhabi FC. ”- Nick Smith.

“No matter what big joke it made at Arsenal that this bloody game machine obviously has a vicious sadistic streak. Why else would it offer a 600-mile round trip to Barrow for traveling Exeter fans on a Tuesday night? ”- Jeremy Boyce.

“Looking ahead to the upcoming games, Arsenal will likely end August with zero points from three games. Do we call the current team ‘The Invisible Ones’? ”- Krishna Moorthy.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can tweet The Fiver anytime via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner is Mike Wilner, who will receive a copy of The Hard Yards: A Season in the Championship, Football’s Toughest League from Nige Tassell. It will be available in hardcover from August 19th and we have even more to give away.

NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

Two board members of the Mauritius FA have resigned and police are investigating after a phone was found taping video in a women’s bathroom at the board’s headquarters.

Harry Kane took part in Tottenham training for the first time under Nuno Espírito Santo and could face Paços de Ferreira in her Big Shield play-off, according to E’nin Stannah von Lahn.

In a surprising development, Manchester City club legend Pablo Zabaleta has said he hopes Kane will join Etihad. “We’ll see if the money is there, but it’ll be nice to see him play for City,” Zabaleta cheered as he waved an inflatable banana.

Equally shocking news is that Louis van Gaal supported himself to bring World Cup glory to the Netherlands. “I think if I had been the Dutch FA I would have spoken to myself too. Who else could have done it? ”Van Gaal roared at his unveiling as the new Oranje manager.

Look who’s back! Photo: BSR Agency / Getty Images

Former free agent Ørjan Nyland is no longer free after the Norwegian goalkeeper put the pen on paper in Bournemouth. In other transfer news, Derby has signed Phil Jagielka and striker Sam Baldock on short-term contracts.

Barcelona, ​​Real Madrid and Juventus, seemingly happy with how this whole European Super League thing went, are now the only breakaway teams that haven’t returned to the European club association – all six English teams participating in the weird, misguided adventures involved have now rejoined it.

The Queen’s Celtic will make further signings before the transfer deadline, according to their manager [at time of writing – Fiver Ed], Ange Postecoglou. “It’s just a matter of timing and getting things done,” muttered Postecoglou. “It’s not as easy as it used to be.”

And Mark van Bommel’s debut as Wolfsburg coach could have gone better: The new coach brought in too many substitutes in the DFB Cup win against fourth division Prussia Münster, so that the Bundesliga club was eliminated from the tournament.

DO YOU WANT MORE?

According to Ben Fisher, Wayne Rooney faces a daunting task to keep Wayne Rooney’s Derby County in the championship.

USA! USA!! USA!!! Star Carli Lloyd has spent much of her career proving the opposite to her doubters – and the results speak for themselves, writes Beau Dure.

Carli Lloyd, who will end her playing career after this season.Carli Lloyd, who will end her playing career after this season. Photo: Brad Smith / ISI Photos / Getty Images

Is Son Heung-min the heir to Harry Kane as Tottenham’s attacking talisman? Jonathan Liew definitely thinks so.

Meanwhile, Jacob Steinberg argues that Kane would provide Manchester City with a much-needed ruthless series if they are willing to pay the big bucks.

Will Cristiano Ronaldo become Lionel Messi at PSG All-Stars? Sure, why not, says today’s rumor mill.

Find out about the latest promotions in our interactive transfers for women and men.

Oh and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And also INSTACHAT!

IT’S MY DECK NOW, BUDDY BOY