Welcome to college football 2021!

We’re getting to your schedule in a moment, but first please enjoy this horny Mac Jones meme I made.

Hello, fellow children!

Just four games on this opening weekend of the 2021 college football season with FBS vs. FBS matches. But we’re going to do our best to get through a pretty bad spot ahead of a busy schedule next weekend, including the start of the Atlanta tide against the hideously overrated Miami Hurricanes.

Have to watch

There is really only one game that falls into this category. it is Nebraska (-7.5) in Illinois (Midday CDT, Fox).
Why should you look at this? It was a tumultuous off-season in Lincoln, to say the least. In addition to losing two dozen players to the portal, Scott Frost is being investigated by the NCAA, has a new AD, and has set up the worst teams since the Bill Jennings era 60 years ago. This is also a division game, competing in a must-win competition during a crucial year for Frost.
His opponent is a long-time Big 10 brother, a man who knows how the game is played up there, with a lack of talent – Bret Bielema is back. Although BERT has never been able to recruit well enough to survive in the SEC, the man can still exercise and has a long track record of exceeding expectations while getting very little. But in his case, it’s not even a bare closet: Lovie (and some luck injured) left him in pretty good shape. NU is the favorite, but my money is on the Illinois (ICYMI: Giving Away Money was released with this game yesterday). Worse for the middle class of the Big 10? Bielema is now actually motivated to wash the stain of Arkansas from its reputation.

Pathological curiosity

Hawaii at UCLA (+18.5) 2:30 CDT, ESPN – This is a veteran team for Todd Graham, and if UH’s vastly improved Warriors can hold onto the ball and force a few rallies, the Bruins could get thorny. This is also a pivotal year for UCLA chief Chip Kelly. Now in its 4th season there are no more excuses. He rebuilt the squad. This is exclusively his club. He has 18 returning starters on his also improved Bruins team. So, show up, do your business, and head to the P12 game – or play around with an average Hawaiian team. We’ll know a lot about both teams by dinner.

State of Fresno -27.5 vs. UConn (1 CDT, CBSSN) – It’s good that most people don’t get CBSSN because it’s going to be a terrible beating. Kalen DeBoer had a tough opening season in Fresno but now the system is in place, 19 starters are returning, the Bulldogs have trained in the spring and fall and this team could be a Darkhorse in the MWC. First things first – butcher that horrific UConn team that skipped all of last season for the Rona.

Invisible dirt

We will not be released into the 2021 season; no easy entry here; no assistance at Ohio State Bowling Green. Nope. We get verbal abuse, maybe some spit and then – BAM! – UTEP in New Mexico State, all without a hug or Red Lobster Cheddar Bay biscuits.

Some people like it perverted; some like it rough; and some people who partying really hard like UTEP and New Mexico football.

How bad is this matchup? The state of New Mexico appears three times in a top 10 list of the worst college football teams of all time.

The 25 worst programs ever? Why, yes, UTEP would be 7th and New Mexico State would be 4th.

But what about the current teams? Under Dana Dimel there are signs of life in El Paso in the sense that a roach can wiggle on its back for days after death. Last year the Miners ranked 122nd in the FEI. The state of New Mexico didn’t even field a team last year, following its first bowl appearance in half a century by winning two games. In the last year they both played, 2019, NMSU finished 125th and UTEP 128th place – out of 130 teams.

Down the line, you name it – F +, Offensive Stats, Adjusted Defense, FEI, Line Stats, Special Team Efficiency, TOM – there isn’t a single metric that would put any of these teams outside of the bottom 10.

Uconn and Umass could put on a worse show at some point. And maybe the MAC will be handing out some monstrously bad competitions (and the MAC’s bottom is very bad). But you will have a hard time finding two worse teams in the same field at the same time in 2021.

And, God help me, I can just see it because OnlyFans doesn’t take anything nearly as punitive on their side.

Welcome to the 2021 season. Obvious filth is back. How unobservable? It’s not even on a regional PPV.